Janelle Monáe is speaking her truth.
The Grammy Award-nominated artist, 36, sits down with Jada Pinkett Smith, Willow Smith, and Adrienne Banfield-Norris on the Season 5 premiere of Facebook Watch’s Red Table Talk on Wednesday in an episode titled “Janelle Monáe’s Hidden Struggles” to talk all about her new book, The Memory Librarian: And Other Stories of Dirty Computer.
The LGBTQIA+ icon also talks about why she came out later in life, her abandonment issues and how she healed from the traumatizing effects of her father’s drug addiction.
In an exclusive preview shared with PEOPLE ahead of the episode’s premiere, Monáe says, “Thinking back to when I first started, I was like, man, as free as I was on stage, when I came off stage, I was still that scared little girl. Like I’m not good enough.”
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“That was always in the back of my mind,” she continues. “Will they love me? My parents were not together and I always thought it was me. Why am I not being taken care of by my dad? He had gotten on crack cocaine, and that changed his life. It changed our relationship. Now, he’s clean. Completely sober, he’s doing incredible, he’s like my best friend.”
Adds Monáe: “But this was when he was sick. I was dealing with real rejection, abandonment issues. What if people leaving me was a direct correlation to my dad? And always feeling like, if I wasn’t perfect, would they leave me. I don’t want to feel the pain of anybody leaving me.”
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Monáe’s mom, Janice Hawthorne, later joins the singer during her appearance on the Emmy Award-winning talk show, saying in the Season 5 trailer that dropped Tuesday, “I’m just happy someone invited me. I said, ‘The Red Table? Are you kidding me!’ “
Red Table Talk returns to Facebook Watch on Wednesday, April 20 (at 12 a.m. PT/3 p.m. ET) with new episodes streaming weekly.